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Dear Future Me,

I don’t know who you are and if you’re out there, but I hope you figured it all out. Or most of it, like the really important stuff. Your mental health, work, housing, finances and relationships, and what to do with all the anger and grief. Basically everything.

Tell me what it’s like in the future. Please. Where are you, what are you doing and how did you get there? What’s different and what’s the same? What do you think of me here in the past?

Is it a big leap or is the change slow? Will it take a long time to be you? I picture big flaming hoops to jump through, tightrope walking, learning to juggle, trying to balance on my head. Not that I think you’ve joined a circus, although that would be exciting and certainly different (albeit highly impractical). I just think it will be tough. Too tough for me. What you must have learned to develop your mental muscle. Your capacity to love well – yourself and others. To succeed and to thrive? Will I get there? Or will you always be a what-if, a maybe?

I’ll be honest, you scare me. Your strength, your peace, your drive and passion, your courage and confidence… I want to be you. I do. My real fear is that I will never be you. I won’t get there. I will fall. Get up and fall again. And again. And again. Until I give up. But you… You kept going until you made it. At least I dream you do. I’m hoping you did. If I get to that place, can I keep it going? Can I be you?

Tell me.

P

Dearest Younger Me,

These are all great questions. I’m not surprised they come from you.

First, I love you. You don’t believe that now, and that’s ok. But I love you, all of you, your mistakes and faults, your strengths and goodness, everything about you. I accept you for who you are now, where you are in your life. And I am proud of how you made it to your today.

Yes, you have fucked up. But you have also been disappointed. You have been let down. You are grieving losses and you are ashamed of these losses. And that’s not right. You are carrying a heavy load, but that load is not who you are. The trauma is how what happened affected you. But the hurt is not you, and relief is coming.

You are not your mistakes. You feel guilty for the rage. That guilt is a good thing. It shows you care, that you have a conscience. And it’s a good motivator. It will help you see where you went wrong and stop a pattern that is hurting you more. Don’t wallow in the guilt. Accept it, let go of the self-blame and move forward. Yes, you are responsible for the hurt even though you don’t deserve it, but change won’t happen for you, for us, until you start working through it in ways that are loving and healing. Not destructive. Not blaming anyone. Not trying to share the load with anyone else. Not wrestling with it. Try loving the hurt instead.

Gifts come in strange packages sometimes. You are capable of carrying the grief as far as it needs to go and then setting it down.

You can do this. You are doing this. You are turning a page this week. You are taking the hurt and doing something brave with it. Look what you’ve accomplished in the last few days. You have taken steps. You are reaching out for help. You know what to do and are doing it. I am proud of you. You asked me what I think of you now and I am the one in awe – you have shown incredible strength and courage.

I am your coach. Your biggest cheerleader. I’m not going anywhere. You can count on me to help you and I will meet you halfway. You don’t have to try to reach me all the way, I am going to come to you, and you will know when we finally meet.

And I’m not perfect. I still make mistakes. I still feel regret and guilt, but I own my feelings and my mistakes and I do something about them. I don’t stay stuck for long. Things are clearer and I do not rely on validation from others. The fear of others’ judgment does not hold me back from making a change or creating something. When I feel inspired, I act on it. You will see. Life will be more simple. It will feel good.

The future is so much lighter. Grief will no longer rule you. Life is brighter, more colourful and full of love. Love is all around you now. Trust in it. It is helping you heal. It takes time. It is messy. The adage, “Through is the only way forward”, is the only way. Many small steps and a few big leaps are getting you there. You will find the way out of this. I believe in you.

Love,

P