A Restless Night

Last night’s sleep was rough. Sleep has been broken for the past week. And before that too, but the last 7 days of insomnia hit me hard this morning. I awoke from a recurring nightmare but do not remember what I dreamt. I was just left with an ache in my chest and stomach and feelings of intense shame and regret. I’m usually able to fall asleep most nights but have been waking up and then have trouble falling back asleep. When I have insomnia, I usually get up after tossing for awhile, make myself some herbal tea and watch mindless tv until anxiety loosens its grip. I know that screen watching is not good sleep hygiene, but tv distraction from the rumination helps.

Last night I awoke around 2 am and laid in bed. My son is a co-sleeper and was snuggled up next to me. Lately he has been clinging to me in his sleep. He likes to hold my hand or wrap his little leg over my leg. It gives him comfort and I don’t discourage it. I think he has noticed the shift in my mood. I’ve felt more sad and hopeless this week although have been trying to hide it. He senses things have not been fine with me. He’s also been letting me hold his hand when we walk our dog after supper, and has been saying more often that he loves me.

His small body was glued to my side as I laid frozen in bed. Moving would wake him up so I just laid still and listened to his breathing. I heard crickets chirping outside the window and my dog move around in her kennel beside the bed. I tried all the tricks for relaxing back to sleep: 4-squared breathing, 4-7-8 breath, progressive muscle relaxation, positive affirmations, visualization. It took some time but I eventually passed out around 4 am and woke up at 6:30, our usual wake-up time.

We rode our bikes again to school. I felt sluggish on my bike. Feeling the effects of day 2 of the med increase and the sleep debt I’ve accumulated. We made it to the school just as the first bell rang for the kids to head inside. I was relieved that we made it there in time. I watched my son park his bike in the school bike rack and then run to join the other kids. I turned on my bike and sailed back down the hill to home, then hopped in the car and came back to the school to retrieve his bike since he would not be riding it home. I don’t mind the extra effort I make to do morning drop-off. My son is enjoying riding his bike and my aim has been to help him practice riding to school, as well as to encourage exercise for the mental health benefits we both get out of it. And it saves a little money on gas to bike.

Ineligible

I met my ex at the Veterans Affairs Office as planned. He’d offered to come with me to inquire about potential benefits for spouses of veterans. I was nervous and had a sinking feeling about being there. It did not feel right to pretend my ex and I were still a couple to try to get funding for Homewood. I told him this and he reassured me. “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. The important thing is for you to get better.” He then said how our son needed me and something about “whatever it takes”. It was the most I’ve heard him say to me in a long time.

We spoke with the receptionist and she connected us with a service navigator. I actually felt relieved when she gave us the news that military spouses are ineligible to receive treatment for mental health/addiction concerns unless they are adversely affected by a mental or physical injury suffered by the individual who is/was serving; the reason for benefits for treatment must be tied back to the military service personnel.

The service navigator asked why I was inquiring about benefits. She was kind and sympathetic. I briefly explained my situation. She offered a referral to services in the community.  I let her know I was already connecting with them.

My ex and I walked silently back to our cars. I paused at my ex’s car and thanked him for coming with me today. I told him how I felt relieved by the outcome and that I would look at other options for treatment.

Next Steps

So I can do one of two things next. I could wait for money that I will inherit from my parents’ estate to pay for the treatment at Homewood out of my own pocket (very expensive option). I received word from my older brother this week that the bank confirmed they will waive probation and release the funds remaining of our parents’ estate. I’m not sure when that will happen or how much it will be. I gave my brother my banking info when he asked for it. He said he would need a few days to request time off work to make it to the bank to manage the details. I told him no problem and thanked him for letting me know what was happening. I told him I loved him. I heard nothing back.

Option 2, I can let the events from the day and week humble me. I realized I’ve been trying to control the outcome. Where I can get help. I’m afraid. And I may be shooting for the stars as a way to make it harder for myself to face whatever change is ahead. I can just let go. Ask for help and just. let. go.

I have the intake appointment tomorrow at the counselling agency. After that I’ll be assigned a therapist and given a date for my first appointment. At this appointment I can ask about options for residential treatment centres within the province. The ones that are publicly-funded. In the meantime, I can work on building social supports, repairing my self-esteem and cultivating healthier habits with the individual counselling. It’s a plan. I feel a little relief. Hopefully sleep will be easier tonight.